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When should I seek individual/relationship counseling?

There are two parts to that question as I see it.

1. If you are stuck and both of you are trying everything to get your relationship working how you both dreamed it would work – and your wheels are spinning but your not moving it’s a good time to get outside opinions. From a professional! You have probably tried the mates (highly unlikely) or the girlfriends (most likely) and still your stuck! Get Help.

2. The other time people seek life coaching or counselling for themselves or the relationship is when things are ok, but that is not what you want, you want to take either your life or relationship to the next level. Great! Time to get some coaching.

There have been millions of books and articles written on how to connect in relationship with others, especially a special loved one. Why have so many books been written about something that comes naturally?

Well I don’t know about all of that – but what I do like is the definition of relationship by Dr David Lake. He states, “The goal of relationship is devotional friendship, where the wounds from the poison of criticism are healed by compassionate acceptance.”

Is it possible to accept our partner just as they are? Can we see our partner as our friend – best friend?

What is it about your relationship / partner that you dislike?

These are important questions in sorting out where you are and how you see your relationship.

• One thing is almost certain what we dislike about our partners behaviour is a part of you – the dark side of you (the unwanted and rejected part of you) that comes back to haunt us in the behaviour of the partner.
• I have spent many years working in schools and it is interesting to note that as a new year 7 class enters every year the number of those children who either live with mum or dad is increasing.
• Before you turn to the lawyers seek professional assistance to turn your relationship around. Yes, it will require work, mostly on yourself but it will be cheaper than getting the lawyers in. Seriously, don’t wait until it gets to that stage, my experience tells me it is probably too late!

Relationships

I need to be careful about what I write here about relationships. I don’t pretend to be an expert on relationships? My wife could read this and laugh! Nonetheless, I won’t pretend to know nothing about the mystery that creates the amazing emotional highs and lows of being in a committed relationship. To this end I need to thank my friend, mentor and clinical supervisor Dr David Lake MD. He has shown me that my wife is my greatest teacher and how to really listen, accept and be friends.

So I don’t apologise for including many of his articles, teachings and wisdom in this part of this site

 

- The following is an excerpt from David Lake

My own definition of the goal of relationship is a devotional friendship, where the wounds from the poison of criticism are healed by compassionate acceptance. I advise the use of EFT and a lot of common sense whenever men and women (or gay partners) get together!

The reality of dealing with problems means that all the solutions depend on your personal growth and capacity for bearing with the hurt of change.

Finally this is a spiritual path toward unconditional love, usually only reached after giving and receiving large amounts of the conditional kind. Your partner's happiness becomes the important part of your own happiness.

So often the most difficult thing is to accept the partner the way they are, without judging, or wanting to change them.

My wife has taught me the mysteries of acceptance, and our four daughters have taught me the female dialect. Naturally I take the credit for the results of this intensive training. Now-despite being confused on a very high level- I know enough to be dangerous.

Criticism
By David Lake

I know of a sure way to ruin your relationship. Be a critic. Of all the relationship poisons, this is the deadliest, over time, and guaranteed never to improve the quality of your life. I suggest that EFT is the most useful antidote to this poison.

The urge to criticise and blame comes from deeply-felt ideas about the world and how it should be, when these precepts are flouted. There are two kinds of people in the world, those that can tolerate crumbs in the bed, and those who can't (actually, it's those who think there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't). As such, the hurt feelings are your own, and are triggered off by others-not caused.

Criticism can't work because of the world of hurt feelings that it stirs up in both participants. The price for being a critic is often the appreciation, acceptance and friendship inherent in good relationship.

Using EFT initially is not solving the problem. It is helping you to get straight emotionally first. When you can be more neutral both parties can confront and negotiate the truths of the situation more evenly.

Here's how I would use it personally, both as the criticiser and criticisee. I think EFT has more leverage if you focus on the negative and "hot" aspects of a problem, especially the irrational and awful/terrible/horrible ones. I use a light touch with the affirmations because I find this helps. Make these personal for your situation.

If you are the doer, you might feel the need to right a "wrong", and to restore your sense of order in your inner world about excess chaos-typically caused by another (often someone you "love").

What Would Love do Here?
By David Lake

I maintain that relationship work is sometimes 'fraught with peril' due to the intensity of the painful emotional reactions unleashed in the context of bickering, struggling, fighting, and enduring the partner's 'doing what they do'. This is far worse than merely a 'wrinkle in the great silk sheet of life'. The intensity is vastly disproportionate to the provocation, and sometimes there is an eruption or earthquake! If it were not such a regular occurrence, misery or divorce would not be so common. EFT is an essential tool of self-help in order to bear with a reactive crisis. It is 'first-aid' par excellence. In my life I have encountered very few tools like EFT that have such elegance, effectiveness and application.

We are all subject to emotional fire and flood in relationship, yet not so sanguine about our survival. When we feel threatened, love becomes very conditional. In our hurt we indulge in blame and fault both inside and outside our carefully constructed world. There are few reliable ways to achieve relief and release when primitive feeling rises up; violence, including rage, self-harm, learned helplessness and depression result all too frequently. Obviously, humans will do nearly anything to alleviate these overwhelming reactive feelings. This must include life-affirming techniques like EFT if our inner world is to shift toward healing.

In the same way that the life force rises up and clings to desperate action in extreme danger, I think that our instincts work against us when we feel threatened by our partner (they may not wish to threaten us but we feel it anyway). Harville Hendrix ("Getting The Love You Want") explains such subjective fear and anger; he considers that our primitive 'reptilian brain' is activated by the event. We decide it is NOT SAFE. Part of us wants to lash out and deal with the danger to our self-esteem, or run away or submit. It doesn't feel "natural" in this context to treat ourselves when we have been manifestly treated 'badly' by another. Two questions (or their variations) immediately spring to mind:

• Did they mean to do it? (have I lost my best friend/are they the enemy now?)
• How am I going to react? (according to the 'show business' theory of psychology, our audience will either applaud, fall asleep or walk out-then we either change our show, or take it up the road to a new audience!)

There is usually little time for thought in such a situation as our emotional reactions tend to develop quickly.

I use and teach EFT for the devastating feelings that follow a hurt delivered by someone to whom we are vulnerable. (Of course, it is cold comfort to know that these are actually our own programmed, conditioned responses from the past, which we call right and wrong. They hurt all the same). They will happen in every relationship. We cling to the illusion that such a hurt for us will be utterly rare, while blind to the fact that we might deliver the same to our partner intermittently!

The radical part of this program involves asking yourself quickly the third, important question:

What would love do here?

When you experience the immediate effect of this question you will also feel the polarity of the linked, negative blocks or beliefs in full force. This also activates further your primitive 'fight or flight' stress reactions. Apply EFT to such negative phenomena. Focus on your body discomfort-where you feel these feelings (if you can identify a place). Apply it quickly. Apply it at length. Apply it continually until you do experience a shift and some relief. Apply it even if you don't know what you are doing-it is your own deep hurt from long ago that you are treating. Treat yourself now and first and see what is left afterwards. Tap (for example) on "these tears"; "this empty feeling"; "stomach emotion"; "my heartache". Tap on the words that were said, the look on the partner's face, or how "stupid" you feel for being in this position.

I accept myself deeply and completely even though...

"This is too much"
"I can't deal with this"
"This is the last straw"
"It's happened again"
"He/she promised me"
"My world is collapsing"
"I can't live like this"
"I said never again"
"This is unforgivable"

Tap on 'deep hurt', anger, shame, fear, sadness and all the emotions you might feel within. Follow these feelings- and any impressions and associated memories if you can- while they are fresh, and when you can make the time and space. Keep tapping regardless- in the crucial time after the disruption. As always with EFT it is the 'doing' that heals rather than the 'thinking about' or 'naming' the problem. Be pleased you are dealing with a major wobbly. This action is the psychological equivalent of applying pressure to a wound while staying calm.

When you feel calmer you have the chance of using strategic thinking and coping the best you can. Imagine a world where you are not "wiped out" by such a hurt, no matter how painful. You are "breaking the chain" of your couple problem by helping yourself. You decide about further resolution, action or help, based on your best judgement of what actually happened. You may also have had enough of any mistreatment. There are possibilities for the two of you only when your true self shows up-your human 'being'. EFT helps that happen.

Relationship and Spirituality
By David Lake

I think it is no accident that the leaders in the field of Energy Psychology have strong spiritual connections that inform their work. This aspect of the field is not emphasized although I find it to be an integral part. I wonder whether the practice of Energy Psychology leads naturally towards the "opportunity for spiritual opening"?

I think it does. My observations of the "deeper" effects of EFT lead me to consider that when the mind is calmed, there is a growth of "being". So often this is accompanied by a personal peace. Possibly we are activating our spiritual energies when we use energy techniques.

A modern classic text by Eckhart Tolle-"The Power Of Now" (pub. Hodder)-makes the path of spiritual growth clear for the individual and the couple seeking deeper connection. He emphasizes the role of the mind in clouding the awareness of our present, and our inner energy. He points to the opening to joy and love that is possible when we accept what is-the Now-and detach from the egoic mind and the emotional "pain-body".

Here I gather and intersperse selected wisdom from the book (lines out of context) with my version of how EFT could "assist" in realizing the truth. I am using his words to illustrate self-help, for individuals in relationship, using Energy techniques.

My simple comments are no substitute for absorbing the wisdom and inspiration of a sage like Eckhart Tolle directly from his magnificent book.

"The moment that judgment stops, through acceptance of what is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace. First you stop judging yourself; then you stop judging your partner. The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way".

 

The 5 Love Languages

A summary of the www.fivelovelanguages.com/

What is the secret to successful relationships?

Know yours and your partners LOVE LANGUAGE and choose to communicate with them in their language.

Almost everyone including most teenagers understands the intense yet short lived experience of “being in love.” However, not many understand the concept of love being a choice.

YES A CHOICE! This means loving your partner even though you may not feel like it – you decide to love them anyway. Why would you want to do that? More importantly how do you do that?

There are many answers to these two questions. I would like to share with you my view on why you would want to love your partner even when the “being in love” feeling has vanished.

First, as I said previously almost all people know that the initial romantic love stage is exactly that – a stage. Nonetheless we all crave for it, many separate and remarry in search for it only to keep experiencing the same temporary high and then for it to die again and again. So the most important reason to keep loving your partner after the romantic love stage dies is to establish and build a relationship based on real and lasting love – something we all desire. How can we do that?

Choosing to love and communicate with your partner according to their love language is essential if you seek a long-term relationship. There are FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

How many times have we all been frustrated because we are doing all we can to love our partner yet our partner doesn’t feel loved? Many of us end up loving our partner the way we would like to be loved or shown love. We could be saying the most beautiful words of affirmation and giving gifts but our partner feels loved most when they are being paid attention to by spending quality time with them.

The secret is knowing how your partner FEELS LOVED THE MOST by communicating and behaving in a way that meets their emotional need. You do that by knowing their love language.

The following is a brief overview of each of the five love languages.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

Words of affirmation are words of encouragement, kind words, compliments and requests rather than demands. Words that communicate to your partner how much you appreciate them are powerful especially for the person who feels loved most when they hear words of affirmation. What are the things you love most about your partner? What do the people he/she works with say about them that you can use to affirm your partner?

QUALITY TIME

Spending quality time together through sharing, listening, and participating in joint meaningful activities communicates that we truly care for and enjoy each other. For many years I would be totally confused after spending time watching TV, going to the movies etc with my partner and still she felt we were not spending quality time together. By quality time I mean giving someone your undivided attention. It could be taking a walk together or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking.

Quality time means we are doing something together and that we are giving our full attention to the other person. By spending quality time with your partner you will need to learn how to have a quality conversation. That means listening not just hearing what your partner is saying.

RECEIVING GIFTS

Gifts are visual symbols of love, whether they are items you purchased or made, or merely your own presence made available to your spouse or partner. Gifts demonstrate that you care, and they represent the value of the relationship.

Gifts may be purchased, found or made. If you can afford it a beautiful card costs less than $5, if you can’t you can make one for free. If you are not a spender and like to save – that is an admirable thing. As I’ve mentioned gifts can cost no money. However, if your partners love language is receiving gifts spending some money on this can be the best investment of your life.

ACTS OF SERVICE

Criticism of your partners’ failure to do things for you may be an indication that “acts of service” is your primary love language. Acts of service should never be coerced, but should be freely given and received, and completed as requested.

What many men don’t understand is that helping their partner around the house, eg. Doing the dishes, taking the garbage out, vacuuming or any other thing that will help her not be as exhausted will be the best form of foreplay there is.

Try this – choose three simple but humble tasks that you don’t like but know your partner would love to see completed. Surprise your partner by doing them without being asked!

If your going to do something for your partner you can surprise them, but always remember you know exactly what they want done and how. Otherwise make sure you seek the specifics of the task.

PHYSICAL TOUCH

Physical touch, as a gesture of love, reaches to the depth of our being. As a love language, it is a powerful form of communication from the smallest touch on the shoulder to the most passionate kiss. Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love.

Touch in a committed relationship takes many forms. If your partners primary love language is physical touch ask them exactly what type of touch they like best. In addition, in a crises it’s crucial that you touch or hold your partner especially if their love language is physical touch.

DISCOVERING YOUR PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE

There are some basic questions you need to ask to discover your primary love language.

1. What do you request the most?
2. What makes you feel most loved?
3. What hurts you deeply?
4. What do you desire most of all?

Chapman G, 1992, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Communication to Your Mate. Northfield: Chicago

 

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